Toddler Tantrums: What Actually Works
Key takeaways
- Tantrums typically start around 18 months and happen because toddlers want to express themselves but don't yet have the words to do it.
- Our daughter's tantrums were loud — crying without tears, more noise than distress — and genuinely easy to redirect with distraction.
- Staying calm matters more than anything else you do in the moment; matching a toddler's intensity or shouting back doesn't end a tantrum faster.
- We deliberately avoided fear-based threats ('a stranger will take you away') and explained real reasons instead, in plain, correctly pronounced language.
- Holding firm on a 'no' once you've said it, rather than giving in to end the tantrum, teaches a toddler that tantrums don't actually get results.
Tantrums have a reputation for being one of the hardest parts of toddlerhood, but ours turned out to be far more manageable once we understood what was actually happening and stopped reacting to the noise itself.
What tantrums actually looked like for us
Our daughter’s tantrums were loud — genuinely loud, annoying-loud — but mostly dry-eyed rather than tearful, more noise and demand than real distress. She’d become stubborn and insistent in the moment, but she was also genuinely easy to distract, which made most tantrums shorter and less intense than we’d braced ourselves for.
Why tantrums happen at all
The NHS’s explanation lines up closely with what we experienced: toddlers want to express themselves but don’t yet have the words to do it, and that frustration comes out as a tantrum instead. Tantrums typically start around 18 months and become less frequent as verbal ability develops, easing significantly by around age 4 — roughly the same window covered in our developmental milestones overview.
What genuinely helped in the moment
Staying calm mattered more than any specific technique — losing your temper or shouting back doesn’t end a tantrum any faster, it just adds a second frustrated person to the situation. Distraction worked reliably for us: pointing at something else with real, genuine interest often redirected her attention before a tantrum fully took hold. When distraction wasn’t enough, we talked her through the actual reason for whatever she was upset about — explaining, in plain language, why we weren’t going outside because it was raining, or why we needed to be quieter because we were in a hospital.
Explaining, not frightening
We deliberately avoided the kind of fear-based threats that are common in a lot of traditional parenting — the “an old man will take you away in his bag” style of getting quick compliance through fear. Instead, we explained the real reason behind a rule, in correctly pronounced, clear language, even when a simpler scare tactic might have worked faster in the moment. It took more patience, but it meant she was learning real reasons for things rather than learning to fear things that don’t actually exist.
Holding the line, calmly
One thing that matters as much as staying calm: once you’ve said no, it’s worth not changing your answer just to end a tantrum faster. Giving in teaches a toddler that a tantrum is an effective way to get what they want, which tends to make future tantrums more frequent and more intense, not less. This connects directly to broader discipline habits — consistency matters as much in the middle of a tantrum as it does in any other moment of the day.
Tantrums can also spike temporarily around a big life change, like a sudden sleep regression or the arrival of a new sibling — worth keeping in mind before assuming a rougher patch reflects a lasting shift in your toddler’s temperament.
Frequently asked questions
At what age do toddler tantrums typically start?
Around 18 months, as toddlers start wanting to express themselves but don’t yet have the verbal skills to do so, which becomes frustrating and comes out as a tantrum.
Does every tantrum involve crying and tears?
No — plenty of tantrums are more about loud noise, demanding behavior, and stubbornness than genuine tearful distress, as ours often were. Both types are normal.
What’s the single most useful thing to do during a tantrum?
Stay calm. Matching your child’s emotional intensity or shouting back doesn’t shorten a tantrum — it tends to prolong it.
Is it okay to use distraction to stop a tantrum before it escalates?
Yes — genuinely redirecting attention to something else, with real enthusiasm, often works well to defuse a tantrum before it fully takes hold.
Should I give in to a tantrum if my child is really upset?
It’s better not to, if you’ve already said no to something specific — giving in teaches a toddler that tantrums are an effective way to change your mind, which tends to increase how often they happen.
References
- NHS — Temper tantrums. nhs.uk
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